Welcome to part 2 of my study in looking at how our self-limiting beliefs or common core beliefs can hinder healing. I am specifically looking at the common core beliefs that, according to the TA Theory, refer to the messages children pick up from caregivers.
These are sometimes called the 12 injunctions.
Before you go any further, please read part 1 to familiarise yourself with the first 6 common core beliefs. See 12 LIMITING BELIEFS HINDERING OUR HEALING
I hope that you will be able to identify with some of these thinking patterns and begin to recognise how they may be hindering you from living in the freedom of Christ.
Everything we think gets translated into the cells in our bodies; we cannot separate the mind from physical health so if our thinking is amiss, then it will only reinforce symptoms in our bodies.
If you’re familiar with Polyvagal theory, this suggests as well that the opposite is also true. If our nervous systems are dysregulated or we’re in a survival state, our thinking will follow this.
It is wise, therefore, to be self-aware of those thoughts which aren’t good for us.
BELIEF 7: I CAN’T THINK FOR MYSELF
CHILDHOOD
It could be that these parents got annoyed when you questioned things growing up or perhaps they just wanted you to think the same as them.
They didn’t encourage your independence to think for yourself. Or maybe they had such a strong parent ego, they forced their views on those around them.
Some common core beliefs go hand in hand. I would say this goes along with ‘DON’T GROW UP’.
ADULT BEHAVIOUR
As an adult, you may feel very inferior. You change what you’re thinking to fit with everyone else. You are a people-pleaser. Those with a ‘don’t think’ mindset, see themselves as not very bright.
You’ve learnt to not love yourself much.
See THE HEALING OF BARTIMAEUS: LET GO OF PEOPLE-PLEASING
Other people’s thoughts become yours. Or you can’t make decisions, so you allow others to rescue you from the responsibility of the outcomes.
Or, you may react to this belief and so force yourself to be heard or belittle others for their opinions.
NERVOUS SYSTEM RESPONSE
If you feel very inferior you’ll either be in the flight part of fight/flight, or you may be shut down in dorsal.
Those with this mindset that force their opinions, demanding to be right are also in fight/flight. All of these are survival states – there is no healing here.
WHAT DOES GOD SAY?
God gives you a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7) and the mind of Christ (1 Cor 2:16) I would say this gives you permission to think for yourself and voice your opinions to others.
If you have the grace to honour others’ thoughts, why not give yourself that same honour?
NEW BELIEF:
A healthy turnaround thought could be:
- It’s ok to have and share my thoughts and I will allow others to have their own opinions too.
- My thoughts are valid.
REINFORCING THE NEW BEHAVIOUR
Sharing thoughts with others and learning to be ok with others disagreeing with them.
The next time you face an issue or problem. Can you be ok with your thoughts about the solution, and your problem-solving skills without going to someone else?
I know for me, I feel ‘safer’ when someone else makes the decisions so I too am in the process of learning how to be ok making choices without fearing a negative consequence.
BELIEF 8: I’M SICK / DEFECTIVE
CHILDHOOD
Another of the common core beliefs comes from the injunction ‘don’t be well’.
Here the child learns that when they are sick, they get attention. Some parents love to play the role of nurturer and so wrap their child in cotton wool.
I wonder also, that if your parent was a worrier, thinking her child is going to fall victim to the latest child illness or taking the child to the doctor for every sniffle, then could this also cause a child to have a ‘don’t be well’ mindset.
ADULT BEHAVIOUR
Do you fear illnesses or have health anxiety? I would say that people with this type of belief may see themselves as a leper or diseased in some way.
If this is the case, you may distance yourself from others, keeping them at arm’s length. Or, you may enjoy attention for your woes and want people to know all about your ailments.
NERVOUS SYSTEM RESPONSE
If you enjoy the comfort attention sickness gives you, this may be a numb dorsal ‘victim’ shutdown response or you could be stuck in Freeze.
When in freeze, your mind is going overtime, thinking about illness or other worries. Yet on the outside, you’re frozen. A bit like a rabbit caught in headlights.
Health anxiety will be more of a sympathetic activation response. You may seek soothing by searching dr Google or being tested for every sickness under the sun.
WHAT DOES GOD SAY?
Even if you have symptoms in your body, God calls you healed at the Cross. Adopting this new belief will cause you to operate from a place of wellness and you’ll see yourself well. (1 Peter 2:2)
I think Ps 91. The psalm of protection will help if you have health anxiety. “A thousand may fall at your side, And ten thousand at your right hand; But it shall not come near you” (Ps 91:7)
NEW BELIEF:
Alternatively, a healthy turnaround thought is:
- It’s ok to be well. I get all the attention I need from God and from those I love. I even give myself the love I need.
REINFORCING THE NEW BEHAVIOUR
Who has shown love and attention to you today, or this week? Bring this to your daily attention. How has God proved His love to you today?
What are your achievements and in what way can they give you recognition? (Bringing attention to something positive, rather than negative attention).
The next time you’re not well, do you really need people to know all about it? Can you limit the number of people you share your personal issues with?
BELIEF 9: I’M A FAILURE
CHILDHOOD
This is another common core belief that begins in childhood.
Here, the parent is either threatened with their child’s success so doesn’t encourage it. Or, they want to protect you from disappointment so they don’t encourage their children.
If a parent feels like a failure or if they get their sense of self-worth from the world, they may project that feeling onto their child.
Or, it could even be that the parent sets such high standards, the child inevitably fails and this gets wired into the system.
ADULT BEHAVIOUR
As a grown-up, if you have this common core belief, you will never take advantage of opportunities. You see yourself as a failure and unaware of your gifts.
Your self-esteem will be very low and see everyone else as more successful than you.
Your sense of self-worth may come from achievements or productivity so will strive for success. If this is the case, you may be a perfectionist, constantly trying to prove how amazing you are – but this is just a mask.
NERVOUS SYSTEM RESPONSE
If success scares you, then you would be sympathetically activated every time an opportunity arises.
It’s probably more likely though that you feel quite shut down and hopeless if you’ve spent your whole life thinking you’re a failure.
WHAT DOES GOD SAY?
God invites you to flourish! He wants you to prosper IN ALL THINGS. (3 John 1:2). He has a plan for your future (Jer 29:11) and is your greatest encourager. (Rom 8:31)
I love the story of Joseph. All throughout his ordeal, even when he was sold as a slave, naked and alone, the Bible says He was a success because of who was with him! (Gen 39:2)
See GOD SAYS YOU ARE WORTHY: 7 STEPS TO GROW SELF-WORTH
NEW BELIEF:
Some thoughts to counter the toxic common core belief:
- It’s ok to be successful.
- I am already a success because of who I belong to so I have nothing to prove.
- Failing is good anyway. It’s how we learn
REINFORCING THE NEW BELIEFS:
Where are you successful already? What gifts has God given you and how can you use them?
List your personal qualities. How have you used them today or this week?
How has God used you in someone’s life recently?
BELIEF 10: I’M NOT IMPORTANT
If a parent can’t attend to his or her child’s needs, the child may end up thinking they’re unimportant. Or perhaps the child sees their parents giving attention to their siblings and interprets this as though their sibling is more important than they.
If you were raised by parents who went by the belief ‘children should be seen and not heard’, then you could see yourself as unimportant.
This seems to be an incredibly common core belief running the show in many of us. That feeling of insignificance.
ADULT BEHAVIOUR
You could be a people-pleaser because you unconsciously view everyone else as more important than you so you attend to their needs above your own.
You neglect yourself massively and have a low self-worth.
It could be that you strive for attention because this makes you feel important, or the opposite, you shrink back and feel inferior. You deny your own needs.
NERVOUS SYSTEM RESPONSE
People-pleasers are fawners. Some say this is a trauma response in and of itself. Others say it’s a combination of sympathetic and dorsal shutdown.
If you are striving for people to notice you, this will be driven by the sympathetic activation, or if this belief causes you to shrink back, you are operating out of your dorsal shut-down.
WHAT DOES GOD SAY?
- If Jesus died for you, individually, this makes you important. (Rom 5:8, John 3:16). He’s chosen you, His special possession. (1 Peter 2: 9-10)
- You are significant because of who your Father is.
See ROOTED IN GOD’S LOVE: STEP 1 IN HEALING
NEW BELIEF:
I am significant to God and those around me. I am just as important as anyone else and my needs matter. 
REINFORCING THE NEW BELIEF:
- Can you do something for yourself today?
- Which activities do you enjoy and can you do at least one a day?
- The next time someone asks you to do something, say ‘no’.
BELIEF 11: I CAN’T GET CLOSE TO OTHERS
CHILDHOOD
Some parents aren’t very affectionate with their children which may give the impression that being close to people is wrong somehow. The parent may be emotionally absent, or physically unable to hug etc.
The child as a result may feel unlovable and rejected.
See THE HEALING TOUCH OF JESUS. WHY HUGS CAN HEAL YOU.
ADULT BEHAVIOUR
If you find hugging people difficult, or sharing your feelings, you could have this belief. Maybe you feel you don’t deserve to be loved or you fear intimacy.
You may be a ‘loner’, not trusting others.
As I said earlier, some common core beliefs seem to go together. I wonder if this goes hand in hand with the injunction ‘Don’t be well’?
NERVOUS SYSTEM RESPONSE
If you’re uncomfortable with hugs and prefer to be alone, this is an indication that you may be in the dorsal part of your nervous system.
Or if this causes anxiety to the extent you have to have affection or you feel insecure, then this is more a sympathetic activation response.
WHAT DOES GOD SAY?
Jesus reached out and touched the leper, a man who had lived without touch for many years. (Matt 8:3). Jesus hugged the children (Mark 10:16). Joseph hugged his brothers when he was reunited with them. (Gen 45: 14) and the father of the prodigal son ran to hug his son. (Luke 15:20).
Also, check out verses on the love of God. (Ps 139, Rom 5:8, Romans 8:35 – 39,)
NEW BELIEF:
To counter this common core belief, some thoughts could be:
It’s ok to show love to others and to be loved.
I deserve love
REINFORCING THE NEW BELIEF:
Some ideas include:
Look for opportunities to share your feelings with others.
Accept compliments and sit with the discomfort.
Allow people to hug and love you, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
BELIEF 12: I’M NOT SAFE IN THE WORLD
CHILDHOOD
Parents who are anxious may try and dissuade their child from doing anything – trying new foods, playing with new friends, going to new places.
They restrict their children for fear of something bad happening.
ADULT BEHAVIOUR
If you have this ‘DON’T’ mindset, you probably shrink back because putting yourself out there is too risky. And you’re a bag of nerves.
You see the world as a dangerous place and find it hard to trust people, avoid good things, ‘just in case’ something goes wrong.
Believing this thought means catastrophising everything. Out of all the self-limiting common core beliefs, this is the one I relate most to.
NERVOUS SYSTEM RESPONSE
You live in the realm of fear. You fear people, places, experiences. Either you’re completely frozen or you are in the flight part of fight/flight.
To keep yourself safe, you stand still. – The rabbit caught in headlights once again.
WHAT DOES GOD SAY?
Knowing that fear is not from God, at least the chronic fear that is accompanied by fearful catastrophising thoughts. (2 Tim 1:7)
He doesn’t want us to fear evil (Ps 23:4) and wants to deliver us from it. (Ps 34:4-8).
Verses on God’s peace are helpful if you have this ‘don’t’ mindset
Is 26:3, John 14:27, 2 Thess 3:16.
NEW BELIEF:
I need to believe the following:
I am safe. It’s ok to feel fear, it won’t harm me, it’s just an emotion. It’s good to step out of my comfort zone. I have the resources to cope if something goes wrong.
REINFORCING THE NEW BELIEF:
What very small next step can we take to show ourselves that the world is not as dangerous as our unconscious thinks?
For example, speaking to someone new, trying a different routine, venturing to a new place on our own, beginning a new hobby….
Can you keep a diary or journal – how was the world safe today? Think of evidence/examples.
COUNTER-INJUNCTIONS
The parent may also communicate counter-injunctions. Again these are conveyed messages coming from the parent’s Critical Parent part of them. (Again they get this from their parents).
They convey these messages to the child, unconsciously, when they see the child’s behavioural response to the Injunctions.
These are also called ‘Drivers’ because they drive the way we behave in certain situations. These are essential to the child’s survival, or coping strategies.
Without them the child would suffer under the weight of the common perceived self-limiting core beliefs.
Be Perfect
Be Strong
Try Hard
Hurry Up
Please Me
(These Drivers or Counter-Injunctions will be discussed in a later article.)
If you relate to anything you’ve read today, I hope you find it useful and informative. Please never judge or condemn yourself or your caregivers.
This is Life.
We are all on the receiving end of imperfect people in a fallen world. You made decisions in childhood to help you survive. This is completely normal.
We can’t suddenly take away our coping strategies, it would be far too much for our systems to handle.
Allow the Holy Spirit to take us by the hand and lead us to healthier patterns of thinking, one precious moment at a time. Imagine the difference in how we show up in the world when we change the script.
Our nervous systems would be more at peace, less reactive and we’d end up spending more time in the ventral vagal part of the nervous system – which supports the healing of our bodies.
I hope this helps you today