Today I explore the relationship between forgiveness and healing.
We understand the necessity of forgiving others, but what if we don’t? Will it hinder our healing? Does it cause disease?
I will then give 5 steps to implement to help us forgive when we are healing.
As Christians, we know we are meant to forgive. God invites us to forgive those who wrong us, it’s even in the Lord’s prayer. But what happens to our bodies when we don’t?
When we live with unforgiveness it tends to grow. Henry Wright teaches the progression as follows:
Unforgiveness – bitterness – resentment – retaliation – anger – violence – murder
(By murder, I think he’s talking about murder in the heart/tongue).
THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN FORGIVENESS AND HEALING
From a nervous system perspective, a lack of forgiveness (and all the emotions which follow on from it) cause us to live in the sympathetic state of our systems where there is no healing. It is the ‘fight’ side of fight/flight.
It’s a physiological state of dis-ease. Cortisol and adrenaline dripping into the bodies amplifying any symptoms we may live with.
Your body is physiologically preparing you for battle! See WHAT IS THE AUTONOMIC NERVOUS SYSTEM?
According to polyvagal theory, ‘story follows state’ This means that once we are in this place, our thoughts will follow:
“How dare they do this to me…..they deserve to suffer….they’re evil…I hate them for what they’ve done…”
Most counsellors teach that anger follows thoughts. But according to Polyvagal theory, it is the sensation in the body which comes first. Then the thoughts come as a reflection of the emotional state.
All this does is amplify the fight state even further, making things worse. The turmoil of a heart with no forgiveness keeps us in a survival state where there is no healing. It’s against God’s design. 
Other times when we experience unforgiveness, we just want to run away and hide. We feel shut down and depressed. When this happens, we’ve entered into the Dorsal state of the nervous system.
The anger is still there, but you can’t feel it because you’re numb. See IS ANGER A SIN? 5 STEPS TO RELEASE ANGER HEALTHILY
THE DRAMA TRIANGLE
When we nurse our wounds we reinforce the victim state. Rather than exploring why and how we’ve reacted to the offence, we rescue ourselves by getting angry at the offender. We become the persecutor.
But this is just masking the real pain.
DOES UNFORGIVENESS CAUSE SICKNESS?
So when we hear Christians talk of how God won’t heal or forgive if we have unforgiveness, or that unforgiveness is the cause of illness, I would say it’s more accurate to say that a lack of forgiveness impacts us at a cellular level making healing difficult.
Basically, we are plugged into the energy of the person who hurt us. “We have an experience that is taken in as a form of energy, it…..changes the brain and the body and changes how we function. So the experience is toxic…it creates a disturbance in us……Forgiveness helps us sever the toxic hold someone who hurt us has over us. It helps us disconnect from the source of our pain and find true healing.” Caroline Leaf
Our unforgiveness causes us to live in fight/flight. Our bodies respond to unforgiveness the same way they respond to trauma.
Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.
Karen Lee Swartz. Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences
We can’t afford to hold onto grudges.
Please bear in mind, that there are plenty of people with unforgiveness who never get sick, yet plenty of forgiving people who are chronically ill.
Has a Christian told you that you’re unwell or that God isn’t healing you because of a lack of forgiveness? It’s an unfair assumption and probably creates unforgiveness! (We all have experiences of Job’s friends.)
This is why we need to develop our own relationship with the Holy Spirit. So we can test everything that other people say to us.
So how do we forgive? I know for me, handing it over to God doesn’t seem to work without the following:
1. FEEL THE PAIN AND DISCOMFORT / REGULATE
I personally don’t subscribe to the typical Christian teaching of ‘just let it go’. Physiologically it doesn’t work.
Sitting with pain and discomfort allows the emotion that is in the body to move.
If we psychologically tell ourselves to just ignore the pain, or ‘give it to God’ without first really experiencing the discomfort, then the emotional wound is still there, lying dormant.
It’s the same as repressing our feelings.
This is common in households where ‘anger is bad and wrong’ and the child gets punished for being angry – which is a survival state and a God-given emotion.
When this happens, the child learns to adapt from her authentic self and bury the emotion. We continue this pattern into our adult lives.
For many years I would ‘forgive’ mentally. I thought because I was a Christian, I could ‘rise above’ the offence and not speak up for myself.
But the emotional hurt was still there, and every now and again it would surface and I’d start getting upset about something that was years ago. I now realise that sitting with the discomfort is what releases it.
A part of you has been hurt so it’s good to recognise, honour and validate that part, the way you would a child. It may even be necessary to have that difficult conversation with the person who has hurt you. (If it’s safe to do so)
REGULATE
When we recognise that we’re in one of the survival states we need regulation. Remember that the prefrontal cortex switches off so we no longer think rationally.
If there is a lot of energy in your system, you may need to transmute that energy by jumping up and down, punching a pillow, or shaking your body….Then follow with something soothing like sitting in nature, cuddling your dog, mind-body exercises etc.
Because the pre-frontal cortex part of the brain is offline, we can’t forgive. Forgiveness is something we can only do when we’re in the ventral part of the nervous system. So we need to regulate first.
2. EXPLORATION
The first step of exploration has to be to invite the Holy Spirit in. This is not something you can do in your own strength.
Forgiveness is always easier when you do it in God’s strength. Feeling the emotion in our body is important to process, but ruminating is a ‘head thing’ which will keep us in a survival state.
When we have unforgiveness, we make the situation worse by telling ourselves stories that either keep us as a victim or make us into blamers.
What are your thoughts about the person, yourself and the situation? If you’re not quite sure, some people benefit from free-style journaling where they allow their subconscious to do the talking.
Are we playing the victim? This will keep us in a place of defeat. We self righteously tell ourselves that we have the right to feel this way. This is ego.
Have we engaged with any of the common thinking distortions like catastrophising, black and white thinking….?
See THE 12 SPIES. HOW THOUGHTS HINDER OUR FAITH
These reinforce the unforgiveness. They tell us the person who offended us is a million times worse than they actually are. We filter out any evidence that supports the offender’s perspective
Often the story we tell ourselves isn’t the whole truth. Think of the anger iceberg. There may be a whole heap of emotions going on underneath the anger.
Anger is a decoy. It’s easier for us to be in a state of unforgiveness, then to face our deep-down fears and emotions.
We need to know exactly what is going on in our brains if we are ever to be free. This is the first step to reconceptualising the event.
This is where we step outside of our own perspective and see the bigger picture.
- Why did they do what they did?
- What kind of childhood did they have?
- Has this person a different set of values, culture or belief systems?
- What role did you play? Ie did you fail to set a boundary? Were your expectations too high?
- Could this be a historic reaction where you’re unconsciously confusing something in the present with a past experience?
I don’t mean to be insensitive or excuse wrongs against us, I’m pointing out that sometimes it’s our unresolved traumas in the past that contribute to our present-day hurts.
Gabor Mate uses the analogy of a loaded gun.
People may pull the trigger, but who is it that loads the gun? Our triggers are messengers because they inform us what parts of us need to heal.
Asking myself these sorts of questions gives me a bigger picture of the event. It’s easy to filter out contributory factors when I’m upset and in the sympathetic fight/flight state.
3. SEE THEM THROUGH THE CROSS
According to brain science, in order to replace a bad thought, we need to replace it with a new thought. Just cognitively choosing to not think about the person who hurt you doesn’t work.
“The key to forgiving others is to stop focusing on what they did to you and start focusing on what God did for you” Max Lucado
Can you see Jesus in them? If the person in question is a Christian, then Jesus is living on the inside of them so seeing them through this lens will help us forgive.
God sees them as His Son, and our challenge is that we do too. It might help to see all the good things in them, their personal qualities and successes.
God sees his child, and sin as being separate. Can we do the same?
“We become defiled by our own inner thoughts of accusation….can you fear Christ in them (the person who upset you) so I maintain awe and respect for them? Jesus has redeemed them, forgiven them….” Bill Johnson
See TAKING EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE: 5 SIMPLE STEPS
4. GUARD YOUR MOUTH
It’s tempting to go around telling others of the wrong that was done. But what does this really achieve? We want someone to agree with us to justify us feeling the way we feel. Or we enjoy the comfort someone else will give us.
When someone else feels the same way about our enemy, it gives us a sense of connection with them.
It can be healthy to discuss feelings with a spouse, therapist or close friend but slating people and gossiping about people is unhelpful.
I once heard a message about the spirit that put Jesus on the cross. All the crowds who wanted to crucify Jesus had never even met him. They judged him based on hearsay.
When we insist on telling people the wrongs of others against us, we’re hoping that they will be like the crowd.
Speaking badly of others damages us more than them. Instead, can we do the opposite?
Can you celebrate the person who upset you? Speaking well of them in front of others, praying for them or thinking of ways to bless them?
This may be an act of obedience to begin with but over time your heart and mouth will align.
See LIFE AND DEATH IS IN THE POWER OF THE TONGUE
5. BEAR FRUIT
Set the intention to not allow the past to dictate your thoughts and feelings.
When we hold onto the past, rather than embracing forgiveness, our present and future will be impacted, even to the point of our healing.
We need to experience peace on the inside before we can hope to have peace on the outside.
John the Baptist asks us to bring forth fruit from our repentance. Our behaviour must change. Are we in peace regarding what was done to us?
Can we pray for the person who hurt us? If we’re still thinking about it and gossiping, we’re not free from it. When we genuinely pray for those that hurt us, God changes our hearts so we feel nothing but love and compassion for them.
Usually, we see each other in the flesh. I believe that God wants us to learn to see people in terms of who they are in Christ.
When we refuse forgiveness, we argue with reality, which causes internal stress in our bodies so finding a way to peace is essential for both emotional and physical healing.
If we’re not forgiving, it will shape how we see the present and the future, just like trauma. Isn’t life difficult enough without this added stress?
“I cannot afford to think anything that has the potential of setting down roots in me and shaping who I am. Bitter thoughts are not ok. It precedes imprisonment to something that destroys us…..Keep the ball out of the hand of the enemy” Bill Johnson
Personally I believe it starts with a decision, irrespective of feelings. We can’t wait until we feel like forgiving, the decision comes first.
When I think of all my wrongdoings, both those I’m aware of and those I’m unaware of, yet Jesus forgave me. How can I not extend this same grace to others?
I think it’s important to remember to give ourselves grace. It takes practice.
And despite everything I’ve just said, when Jesus healed people, no doubt there were some with unforgiveness. He healed the multitudes. (I’m guessing this means hundreds). Surely some of these people had offences, grudges or anger?
Does this mean the supernatural gift of healing overrides unforgiveness? To me, this shows that we can never disqualify ourselves or others from receiving.
Is there anyone in your world who triggers you? Who are you not free from?
Can you picture the freedom and the healing that forgiveness brings? God gives us a helper; He doesn’t leave us to forgive in our strength. He will help us remember the good things about the person who hurt us and guide us in replacing those negative thoughts.
Our Holy Spirit helps us pray aggressively for our enemies and in time any negative thoughts and feelings will be replaced. (And not repressed).
The Holy Spirit will remind us how forgiven and loved we are which empowers us to forgive others. We are not alone.
To follow on from this, forgiving negative situations and the forgiveness we need to offer ourselves is on a whole other level and needed for the healing of our bodies. (This is worth exploring in another post.)
I hope this helps you today
Lorna
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