Our Life Position and our healing go hand in hand. If we’re constantly operating from an Unhealthy Life Position, then we’re not walking in true authenticity.
Nor are we in the Ventral Part of the Nervous System.
As I’ve said so many times in this blog, I believe God heals us back to the person He saw when He laid the foundation of the world. This is our true authentic self.
If we continue to see ourselves and those around us through the lens of our childhood programming (if this is faulty), then our mental and physical health will be impacted.
This continues from the previous post entitled HOW EGO STATE THERAPY HELPS HEALING.
Today, I’ll give an overview of what a Life Position is, how and why it develops and the consequences concerning ourselves and our relationships with others.
So let’s dive in:
WHAT IS A LIFE POSITION?
As well as Ego States, Eric Berne, founder of Transactional Analysis, speaks of Life Positions, or Life Scripts.
According to Cell biologist Bruce Lipton, 95% of our behaviour is subconscious programming from our childhoods.
At an early age, the child decides what his role and position in life would be and everything they think, feel and say, stems from this place.
This is why we need to understand the different Ego States I mentioned in my last post.
Perhaps you were the child who was shy and quiet, always shrinking back, because this made you feel safe.
Or maybe you felt secure in the world by making yourself domineering and overconfident.
These childhood programmes, or scripts, are always running and continue into adulthood until we choose to change our scripts.
When we become Christians, our Position changes to one of Sonship or new Creations.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
2 Cor 5:17
The problem is, that this new identity doesn’t wipe our learned behaviours or default patterning. As Alan Gordon says, we ‘take the path most travelled’.
So let’s look at each of the 4 life positions in more depth to show what I’m saying.
LIFE POSITIONS
Eric Berne believes there are 4 Life Positions.
Here is a diagram of the 4 Life Positions. Experts say we all favour a particular corner: our responsibility as Christians is to make Jesus attractive.
We can only do this from the Healthy “I’m Ok, You’re Ok’ Life Position.
1. I AM OK AND YOU ARE OK
“I am OK and you are OK” This is a healthy life position where we want to be most of the time.
No matter what is going on around us in our circumstances, you and I are OK. This speaks of our position. The Adult Ego lives here.
The Free Child and Nurturing Parent can be here provided it’s appropriate for the interaction. For example, showing compassion and nurture is positive, but if we start to disempower someone, then it’s no longer healthy.
The Bible tells us that as Christians we are “In Christ” and “More than Conquerors.” This is our identity.
The more we can identify with this, the more we can create the right environment for our healing. A regulated Nervous System is likely to be here and often our thoughts follow our state.
Also, the more we see ourselves in Christ, the more we communicate to those around us, that they are worthy and valuable.
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus
Gal 3:28
We have the mind of Christ. Whilst this is Truth, we can step out of this because of our unconscious wiring and learned behaviours.
In other words, we can walk in misalignment to our identity in Christ.
I sometimes call this Healthy Life Position, the ‘Grace zone’ It’s where Jesus operated from in His interactions with others.
Jesus, the greatest leader who ever walked the face of the earth, lived in this place. He accepts himself and is secure in His own skin. He views others in the same way.
This is the place of love. Grace and Truth ‘is’ a person.
See GOD SAYS YOU ARE WORTHY. 7 STEPS TO GROW SELF-WORTH
The goal is to step back into this position whenever we find ourselves in an Unhealthy Life Position.
2. I AM NOT OK, YOU ARE OK
The next Life Postion is “I am not OK but you are OK”. This is where we step ‘down’ into a place of inferiority or ‘smallness’. This is where victimhood lives.
We think the person we’re interacting with is somehow better than us.
Some people think everyone in their world is better than them, but for others, it is certain people. Authority figures, like Church leaders for example.
It could be that you feel this way with your spouse, if they’re particularly domineering.
If you were raised with a Critical Parent, you may always feel small and inferior when interacting with others.
Or even if you had a Nurturing Parent who was too extreme in their nurture, treating you like ‘the baby of the family’. If so, you may find yourself operating out of this Life Position.
You unconsciously decided as a young child that this is your position in the world and you’ve been navigating life through this lens.
If you’re a people-pleaser you will be here. You’ll probably discount your achievements or needs to elevate others. This is not humility.
See THE HEALING OF BARTIMAEUS: LET GO OF PEOPLE PLEASING
From a healing perspective, if we ‘live’ in this place most of the time, it’s as though we’re afraid of other people, causing anxiety and fear.
This keeps us in the fight/flight or sympathetic part of the nervous system.
Or, this Life Position causes us to feel bad about ourselves, which breeds depression and shame. This keeps us in the dorsal shut-down part of the nervous system.
If we have adverse circumstances, like an illness. It’s easy to step into this Life Position, rather than what the Bible says about who we are despite any illness.
We worry about the symptoms or the future, and we see those around us as altogether because they don’t have an illness.
We allow our circumstances to consume us.
3. I AM OK, BUT YOU ARE NOT OK.
The next Life Position is referred to as “I am Ok, but you are not OK”
This would be the polar opposite of the life position we just looked at. Here, the individual is superior. They’ve placed themselves in a one-up position, a place of grandiosity.
They ‘look down their nose’ at others so to speak. Pride and arrogance would live here. These people only feel OK, by choosing to see others as inferior and less than.
This is where the Parent Ego lives.
These guys attract those in the “I’m Not OK, You Are OK” category and vice versa, but it’s not a healthy relationship.
Let’s say you’re in a marriage, and it’s clear that the ‘woman wears the trousers’. Chances are that she’s living in this place, and the husband lives in the ‘I’m Not OK’ position.
From a counselling perspective, these people are much harder to treat. When you’re inferior or have low self-esteem, you know about it. But when you have pride or superiority you don’t see it!
We can all step into the zone of self-righteousness and because we think we’re right, we’re unaware.
See WHY OUR FILTHY RAGS MAY HINDER HEALING (PT 3)
When Moses pleads with God to save the Israelites, he does so from an Adult, Healthy Life Position.
Many years later, Moses steps into the Unhealthy “I’m OK, but you’re not ok” Life Position when this time He is so fuming with the Israelites, he strikes the rock, instead of obeying God and speaking to it. (Num. 20:8-11)
It’s easy to think that he was right, but he only saw the sins of the people, and not his own self-righteousness.
When Joseph was a young lad, he boasted about becoming a leader and his brothers bowing down to him. He viewed himself as superior. I’m not surprised it got his brother’s backs up! (Gen 37)
Many years later, he had the opportunity to do the same when his brothers, not knowing who he was, came to him in Egypt wanting supplies due to the famine. This time he responded from a Healthy Life Position (Gen 45).
God had done a mighty healing work in his life by this stage.
Think of Naaman who was so proud of his accomplishments and who he knew, he thought he was better than others. He had to see others as inferior to survive and feel OK.
Job moved into the ‘I’m not Ok, you’re OK’, Life Position and his friends were operating from the “I’m OK, but you’re not OK” Life Position.
NB: Please remember, this is not talking about our circumstances, clearly Job’s situation was not OK.
See JOB’S THREE FRIENDS. 5 WAYS TO DEAL WITH THEM
If you are in this Life Position, you probably project anger and disdain at others. What you’re basically saying is that “I’m right and you’re wrong”.
For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.
Rom 12:3
The Pharisees were ALWAYS operating from this Life Position, thinking they were better than Jesus and trying to catch him out.
The Bible tells us that Jesus is superior to all things, but what I’m saying here is that Jesus didn’t behave in a superior manner over others.
We are operating from this Life Position whenever we’re judgmental, critical or condemning.
If you ever struggling to interact with your parents, could it be because they’re operating from this place? Sometimes parents ‘forget’ that their child is now a grown-up.
Some people minister and lead from this place, not realising their ‘superiority’. They honestly think they’re helping. I find people in this Life Position harder to deal with from a counselling perspective. Mainly because they’re so unaware of it.
(Unlike the “I’m not OK” Life Position; if you feel inferior, you know about it).
We also ‘interact’ internally in our thinking.
How many times do we silently criticise someone? We’ve still placed ourselves in a ‘one-up’ position.
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
Pro 18:2
Next we have the fourth and final Unhealthy Life Position, “I am not Ok, but you’re not OK either”
4. I AM NOT OK BUT YOU ARE NOT OK
This is a place of hopelessness and even depression
If you’re afraid of others to the extent of social phobia, you view the world as dangerous, but you’re not OK either. If you’re here, you’ll isolate yourself from others and not trust people much. You feel you don’t have the resources to cope in a terrifying world.
This Life Position is an amalgamation of the other two Unhealthy Positions. When I read up on this position, it’s supposed to be quite rare, but I think it’s more common than we think.
Sometimes due to trauma, we can end up with a distrust of the world and those around us, as well as having a low opinion of ourselves. Jonah hated the Ninevites and felt sorry for himself. (Jonah 4)
I think of the story of Martha and Mary. Martha is clearly not OK and sees herself as some kind of victim. (See Luke 10) But then she accuses Jesus and Mary of not being OK either. Martha views Mary as being lazy and blames Jesus.
The man at the pool of Bethesda was operating from this Life Position. He was a victim, but also blamed others.
He didn’t value Himself or others.
See DO YOU WANT TO BE HEALED? RESOLVE INNER CONFLICT
I would say unforgiveness stems from this Unhealthy Life Position.
Jesus responds from a Healthy Life Position. He doesn’t see himself as superior.
It is very hard to heal, emotionally and physically when we’re in opposition to a Healthy Life Position. In terms of the Nervous System, we will most likely be in one of the survival states.
Even when we are helping people, if we think we need to fix them or rescue them, then we are most likely operating from an Unhealthy Life Position.
Wanting to fix and rescue others speaks of ego and can be rooted in either a need to please, or to feel good about oneself.
Either we think we’re the expert and adopt a one-up position. Or, we have low self-esteem and think the only way to cope with it is to be a people pleaser.
Another issue of an Unhealthy Life Position, is that we are likely to filter all of our experiences through this lens, choosing so register certain experiences over others to reinforce our Life Position.
Whilst each Life Position seems quite easily understood, life is ‘messy’ and healing isn’t linear.
You might operate in 1 Life Position with certain groups of people, but not others. Maybe you are superior and bossy with your spouse, but you’re quiet and timid at work for example.
Or, you have 2 Life Positions going on at the same time. So, you find yourself in the “I’m Not OK, but you are OK” and how you manage it, is by becoming the superior “I’m OK but you’re not”.
For those who are married, are you and your spouse predominantly in different Life Positions? It could be that this unconsciously contributed to the attraction to each other.
But what if you’re both in the same “I’m OK, but you’re not” Life Position?, then I can only imagine the stress and arguments.
The antidote for all of us is to develop our identity in Christ and be secure in who we are in Him and who He is in us.
He must increase, but I must decrease.
John 3:30
If you relook at the last post on Ego State Therapy, you’ll see that how we step out of our scripts or an Unhealthy Life Position, is the same as how we step out of an Unhealthy Ego State.
Self-awareness is often a good starting place. Which of the 4 Life Positions are you in most of the time? Think about your relationships, past and present. Can you see any patterns?
Does it vary with different groups of people? Maybe at work you find yourself in the “I’m OK” Position but at home, you’re in the Healthy Life Position.
Babies don’t come into the world thinking they’re superior or inferior, better or worse, than anyone else. It’s a learnt behaviour.
What about your circumstances? Do you allow them to move you into an Unhealthy Position?
The way we make changes is one small step at a time until we form the new behaviour. Sometimes it’s about changing our thinking.
Let me give you an example:
I was standing the queue in my local supermarket with just a couple of items in my hands. The woman in front had a trolley with enough food to feed an army. My thoughts were “Why can’t she see that I should go in front of her?” “If it was me, I’d let me go first” “That’s so selfish…..”
Can you see how I stepped into Life Position 3, the “I’m OK, but you’re not OK” My self-talk was quite self-righteous and superior.
When I realised this, I was able to step back into the Healthy Life Position and I began to think thoughts like “Gosh, this poor lady must be exhausted….. She looks like she has lots of children, I hope she has a loving spouse to help raise them…..” I found myself with such grace and patience, a complete turnaround from my previous thoughts.
Can you see the difference understanding our Life Position makes and knowing who we are in Christ is the solution?
I hope this helps you on your journey today.
Lorna x
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